


Can't (Won't) Stop Loving You

by loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Fucked Up, Post-Canon, i LOVE writing angst and ugly shit tho, lol im jk, lowkey salty, mentions of allurance, soft smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 15:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16789393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS/pseuds/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS
Summary: You never forget your first love.Allura certainly hasn’t forgotten hers.And she hates that.





	Can't (Won't) Stop Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> This story is about _deliberate_ infidelity, so if that makes you uncomfortable, I really wouldn’t read this ^^;;

“ _L-Lotor_ …”

Allura tilted her head back against the pillow, nails clawing down his back, her toes curling from the scorching sensation of his rutting in her.

“Don’t hold back, _Allura_ ,” Lotor grunted, his mouth on her neck as he sucked on a sensitive point that had her breath hitching in her chest. “I want to hear you.”

With each snap of his hips, hard and deep, she could only moan and make unintelligible noises. She tried not to let her mind grow hazy, but electricity was dancing up her back and fire raging through her body and though his girth was almost painful, there was something wholly magical about having him inside her, their bodies so intertwined it was hard to tell where he ended and she began. There was something so intoxicating about their sweat soaked bodies gliding along each other, the torrid heat surrounding them, the heavy pants and ragged gasps and desperate moans, the feel of his skin plastered to her own.

Her hips were sore from Lotor’s tight grip, her legs tired from being hiked up so high on his waist for so long, and yet she wouldn’t change a thing. She loved the way he made her feel alive, the way her body lit up with each hard thrust as she was pressed into the mattress.

It almost reminded her of their old trysts.

 _Almost_.

But Lotor wasn’t the same.

His eyes were wild and marginally dangerous and menacing in a way and being with him felt like she was being shoved closer and closer to a blustering fire that could tear her apart if she misstepped. It felt like she was always walking on eggshells with Lotor. Like the only thing left of their once overwhelming emotional connection was their physicality and the long nights they’d spent in each other’s arms.

Not to mention she was in a committed relationship with Lance.

Allura felt dirty.

She cared about Lance immensely.

He was her friend and a wonderful person and an upstanding guy who went out of his way to make sure she was comfortable on Earth and to show her how much he loved her. A dream come true who made her smile and laugh and find levity in her screwed up life and who continuously showed her through his actions that she could rely on him, especially when she was upset.

She loved being his girlfriend.

And it broke her heart that she was doing this to him, and yet… she couldn’t stop.

Because she couldn’t get Lotor out of her head.

She couldn’t forget him.

She couldn’t let him go.

And she wondered if it was because deep down, she felt _something_ was missing from her relationship with Lance. She could never pinpoint it, but she knew she would subconsciously search for it every time they were together. Every time they went out to dinner or even visited places in the city to spend time together. Every time he told her how much she meant to him. Every time he kissed her.

To her horror, she would find herself disappointed when she couldn’t figure out _why_ whatever it was she was looking for wasn’t there.

And while the fluttering butterflies and the warmth spreading through her body and the excited pounding of her heart in her chest and the heat in her cheeks were definite signs that she _knew_ she had some feelings for Lance, she just couldn’t help but feel like she wanted more.

(Like she _needed_ more).

If she were to try to define the odd feeling, she’d say passion might be the problem.

Her relationship with Lance exuded warmth and he was just about the most doting and perfect boyfriend she or anyone could ever ask for. But there was a certain disconnect from time to time. In their outlooks on life, in their motivations, in their stages of their journeys of self-discovery. There was a jarring disconnect in the way they saw their futures. What they prioritised and what they considered most important in the forefront of their minds. And with Lance, sometimes it felt like he was going above and beyond because he worried he wasn’t good enough or that he wasn’t her equal.

While she was always and genuinely interested in seeing what Lance’s world had been like and partaking in the fun activities he wanted her to experience with him on Earth, there were times it became glaringly obvious that their interests and hobbies didn’t align. Times when she realised he had everything he wanted on Earth—his family, his friends, his future—but she couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t her place. Like there was more she could be doing. Like she had a destiny that she was pushing away in favour of love.

Like maybe she was settling?

That wasn’t an issue necessarily in its own right.

She wouldn’t be opposed to making a new life on Earth, but the thing was, she had discovered so much more about Altean science, quintessence, more about herself, and there was still so much more to learn. She couldn’t stay stagnant when she knew there was something more out there for her to discover. She knew Lance would understand her need to venture out to gain more knowledge and encourage it, but the distance would almost certainly lead to an end to their relationship. Call her selfish, but she wasn’t quite ready to give that up yet when she truly did want to make a relationship with Lance work.

But she also couldn’t give up Lotor.

She couldn’t forget her love for him or what he had represented for her.

What he _still_ could represent for her now.

And it always made her sick to her stomach to see such desire and affection in Lotor’s eyes, knowing that she had it in her eyes too, knowing that when this tryst was over, she’d go back to Lance and feel so much shame when he smiled at her like she hung the stars and moon in the sky.

And yet… she knew she couldn’t stop this even if she tried.

Letting another man touch her—be inside of her—was wrong, but she couldn’t help it. Lotor had a hold on her and try as she might to stop, he was always there in her head, on her mind, the remnants of the bruises he’d left on her skin forever branding her of her betrayal. She tried fighting the pull of his eyes and of what it felt like being with him, but it wasn’t easy. Nothing could ever replace the feeling of being filled by him, connected together like two perfect pieces of a puzzle that were meant to be.

Each time, she tried futilely to tell Lotor it was over, that she wanted it to end, that it was the last time, and each time, when he slowly undressed her, when he took his time worshipping her body with his lips and masterful teeth and tongue, when he teased her entrance and sucked on her folds until she was a quivering, moaning mess, when he laced their fingers and pinned her to the mattress, when he kissed her so tenderly her eyes sprung with tears, when he ensconced himself within her, driving her to ecstasy again and again from the fantastic drag of his thick cock along her walls, she lost her resolve.

She knew she could grow to truly fall in love with Lance, but a part of her—a part she’d tried her damned hardest not to think of—would always love Lotor.

And that was the part that she was never able to fight.

He wasn’t even the same Lotor that had once plagued her dreams and fantasies who she constantly sought out to talk at length about their heritage and all the interesting discoveries they could make through travels together. He was at best warring with two sides of himself and at worst truly insane, but deep in his eyes, she could see remnants of the man who she fell for once upon a time. A brave, intelligent, noble warrior with an insatiable thirst for knowledge equal only to her own.

And deep down, she wanted to be the one to save him.

She wanted him to hold her again, to be with her the way they had connected when they’d gone to the rift the first time.

“ _Allura_ …” Lotor groaned out, and she couldn’t contain her whimper of bliss when he shifted his angle and hit a perfect spot.

Lance didn’t deserve this, she knew.

But no matter how much she tried to pull herself out of Lotor’s orbit, she could never stray from him far.

“Lotor, s-stop. We can’t…” She pushed against his shoulders, tears prickling behind her eyes. Lotor stopped his motions and lifted his head, breathing hard. Her body protested the abrupt stop, and it took everything in her to keep her mind on what she needed to end and not on how good he felt. “We— _I_ can’t do this anymore.”

His expression shifted subtly and there it was. Hidden behind the cloudy haze of delirium was a tender gaze so full of emotion and passion and affection and love. For a moment, she was transported back to that fateful day she gave herself to him when they proved their love amidst the gorgeous beauty of the quintessence of the rift. She wanted to shut her eyes, but she couldn’t look away from him.

Lotor leaned down and captured her lips in a slow, provocative kiss. Allura sighed into his mouth, near melting and growing weak kneed when his tongue danced sensually along hers. She was already lightheaded, but her arousal flared up sharply and she clung to him, hopelessly holding on to whatever was left of this quiet rendezvous with their supposed enemy.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he murmured against her lips.

And when she met his gaze, her decision crumbled with little resistance. Maybe it was his earnest tone of voice. Maybe it was the honesty in his gaze. Maybe it was the glimpse of the Lotor she once knew in his demeanour.

Maybe it was her guilt from leaving the man she loved in the quintessence field.

Allura cradled his jaw and tugged him back down into a heady, lingering kiss, moaning as he started rocking in her again. Their rhythm was frantic, uncoordinated as they desperately sought relief, his thrusts wild and intense. A high pitched cry was torn from her lips as she hurtled towards the crest of pleasure her body was craving.

Once more.

She’d let this be the last time and then she’d end this for good. But deep down she knew it was moot because try as she might, she would never be able to let go of her first love.

And she hated it.


End file.
